Friday, August 29, 2008


Status, for Becky

Telling a true story is much like shooting rapids in a small open boat. The process exposes one to much ridicule and doubt, and how much of that kind of heavy water can one take before going down? And how many times can you be sunk before you just decide not to bother floating where everyone can take a shot? Even deciding to tell the story... who would believe it? Beyond that, what difference does it make? Words go out and are usually met with silence, perhaps because I tend to toss them out there and then disavow them. A tail already cut off is one that can't be pulled by someone else.

So, I've not had much to say to anyone recently. I've largely quit trying. I do my job, come home and read or play Guild Wars. Every once in a while, in the quiet of 2AM or thereabouts, God whispers clearly, a few words before I close the fatigue-opened doors.

I'm mostly a failure as a Christian, as a human being. This doesn't seem to matter very much to God. He keeps believing He can do anything, and communicates that belief to me without rancor, without judgment. Even when I tell him how reality works he just waits for me to run the skein to its end and then I look back up to him and see forgiveness again.

I follow Jesus because He is irresistibly attractive. I can't put it into words. Picture a cat lying in a sunbeam on a cool morning: no understanding of what the sun is nor how nuclear fusion creates light visible and invisible but sensible on sensitive fur. The cat simply makes a choice: it feels good.

Following Jesus because He makes me feel good is about as shameful a statement as a modern Christian can make. Still... what else is there? To talk about the reasons for following Jesus is, I think, to exchange lies to make other people feel better. Human beings are motivated by things beyond and below logic, and logic never tells the whole story. The attempt to fit human experience into the strictures of logic leaves far too much reality on the cutting room floor.

Note that I'm not saying logic is useless. It's essential. Feelings are equally essential but much less accepted. One can, I believe, cuddle in God's lap and feel the sun of His being while also being within the stated limits of forgiveness coming from Jesus' actions. Why should there be the polarity? I read the Mosaic of Pain Blog* and links therefrom every now and then, and the discussions rapidly go from what's needed to an argument over who is more scripturally based.

We see through a glass, not very clearly. Each of us takes a guess and tries. One more reason to keep quiet: how do I know I'm right in anything that I put here? Even if if I am right, how are you to follow? No, I think it's better to think of writing as merely a way to show, not signposts on the route to be travelled, but a presentation of the fact that the journey is possible, and continues.

I'm still here. In the last two years I've ruined a number of potential relationships so have pretty much given up on that whole idea. Work is tolerable, most of the time, although recently politics has made things much more difficult. So, I come home and go to bed. On the weekends I bash imaginary monsters with imaginary heroes that are surprisingly interesting to work with. I can win the battles in Guild Wars. If I lose there's the potential for a new approach that will win. Victory may be imaginary but it's better than imaginary defeat.

How does one who grew up with defeat grow into victory? Five years ago I thought it was simple but since then things have gotten complicated. What constitutes victory, and how does one learn? No matter how basic the need, God doesn't mind teaching and the answer, unlike those offered by people, are never forced. They come in their own time. Who knows his own mind? None of us. There are aspects buried in there that, in my case, are just sick to death of being manipulated and manipulation is the name of our society. Even the church. It's an earnest attempt to present truth, but the model comes from our corrupt society.

I want something different. I want to be a whole person. I don't know how this will be done, or if. I don't even know what it will look like.


*This is a site supposedly calling for repentance of Mosaic church management. While I too think Mosaic has problems... I think the Blog is overly polarized, and polarizing.

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