Monday, September 13, 2004



I'm sitting here sweating in weather that feels a lot like Texas. If I wanted this, I'd live there. All those storms in the Gulf of Mexico have upset our weather, stalling the sea wind so the beach areas go over 80. Gargh. Terrible when you're not used to it.

On top of that I've been getting steamed in other ways. Went to work Tuesday, wearing walking shorts because my gimpy leg made it hard to do anything, such as laundry, so I wore what I had. Got many accusations of wearing boxer shorts, along with other criticisms, and I wasn't in the best of shape anyway.

It also seems I've become a good person to talk to on the bus. One woman gets on, sits beside me and starts talking about all the bad events of her day. I used to be able to talk with God on the way home but can't do that... and this woman doesn't want me to talk, either. And traffic was terrible so the ride lasted forever. Gargh.

Not that I really had that much to say to God anyway. It's amazing just how delicate a relationship can be; I get scared, quit talking, quit listening because of fear and then everything else starts to slide. Confidence, the sense of being loved (which is never very strong in me anyway) and a sense of familiar isolation. Solve the problem myself.

So I took today off from work and did the laundry. Finally got the time for some quiet. I had a book with me. I usually sit in my car at the laundromat rather than inside because of the radio they play in there. I picked up my book and then got the hint from the Holy Spirit. "Let's just talk." So we did.

One issue for a couple of months has been a statement in Rick Warren's "purpose Driven Life" that there will be times when we won't experience God. That scared me at the time and still does. If I lose that, what's the point of following Him? Now I think I overreacted. I've read more of the Bible. David, all the others who followed God, they had great confidence and God never left
them. Not that I'm David or anything, but God is the same.

And yet I'm still scared of where he leads. Love is his way. I know nothing of that. It's all I can do to keep from yelling as some particularly slow person is trying to figure out how to pay their fare on the bus.

Love brings great upset. I like an even-tenored life. Love brings dreams. I like the easy, non-dreamer life and have become well adapted to this.

I talked with the technical director for Mosaic last night, about his needs for technical heirodules. I'm rather unsettled on this; when I thought Mosaic would soon have a West Side presence I was willing to work downtown until the West Side start-up. Now I'm wondering. Should I look for a more local outfit? But I like Mosaic because I know God speaks to these people and they listen. But I hate driving to downtown L.A. when I have to be there five times a week as is. Where is the love? Others have dreams and overcome aversions to things. Sometimes it seems as if I've made great progress, other times as if I'm standing still. Life isn't nearly so easy as troubleshooting electronic equipment.

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