Tuesday, October 26, 2004
Listening is a great way to learn, but why can I not be heard? Other than having grown up with the habit of silence because no one wanted to hear from me. So I become a seeming vacuum into which other people feel free to unload their words. Earplugs are sometimes my best friends.
Real communication is so rare that it's easy for me to quit believing in it. Then I'll have dinner with Debbie and Nate, and the conversation will run thick and fast between the three of us and it's like the sky lights up, the heaters come on and life is so rich I could choke on it.
It's so brief. I go home and the house is cold. I'm cold. Where are my friends? Someplace far away. Why don't they call me? If I want contact with anyone I have to start it.
Could it be that God is there to warm the night? Is it OK to lean on Him for no other reason than I'm lonely, and now that He is turning my stone heart into flesh I feel the loneliness more sharply than ever?
I know there are technologic problems here. I don't know very much about real friendship. You get good at what you do, and I have little experience in this area. I've been thinking about this a lot lately. What am I going to do?
One answer came to me as I stood waiting to get a turnover at Mani's Bakery. "God, am I supposed to be able to ask you about this?" It seems so trivial, but "you don't have because you don't ask." I'll probably have to have more of the stone changed to flesh before this happens, however, and right now I wonder if I'll survive the transformation. Well, I won't.. Larry qua Larry died with Jesus on the cross. I'm something else now. Lu calls this an adventure. I wish I were that positive.
I'm just rationally lonely.
Well look at this you do have a blog here too... I just haven't noticed... (forgive me!)
ALONE... you know Larry...usually I am the contact person with my friends... and I have talked to SO MANY other people lately... that they say the same thing you just did... why do I have to be the one to contact my friends??!!!... well here are a few of my current theories:
the world needs people like you Larry... otherwise other people would just be sitting at home ALONE! All by themselves... most people do not reach out to others...
The other thing I think it says about you... is that you seem strong as solitary person ... like you may not need people as much as other people oozze need you know? People may think you have something more important going on...
What I try to do... try mind you.. it is a discipine... to do when I feel this way... and I feel this way a lot... I go ahead and REACH out to others that may feel the same way... I go through my cell phone directory... I try to find someone else that feels the same way... I ASK other people out to lunch...
Of course...like you I have to ask the question... Is it you God... do you just want me to spend some time with you? Is this about Your purposes for me right now?
I agree about the REAL communication too Larry... and many times it is me... not stopping life... to just focus and COMMUNICATE! Simple communication so important... so incredibly beautiful when we have it... when we are across a table and KNOW that we are "in the moment"!
I have limited patience for this. Partly because it runs into my anti-pest principle (if they wanted to talk to me, they'd call, so if I call them I'm being a pest), and partly because... ALL THE TIME? I can't tell you how many times I've heard statements like "I really enjoyed this, we need to talk more" and I never hear anything from them. Or they say "I don't have time right now, but I'll write more later." And later never comes.
Blogging is perfect (thank you, Lu). It's by nature mostly one-way, so I'm not disappointed with the lack of response. Although you started something interesting with your "speaking the truth in love" post.
I think I have lived my life as if I were living it before an audience... I started doing commericals to myself in the mirror when I was what 6 or 7? Reality TV started young for me... :)
I found myself venting to my parents/family & friends the bad things... and not communicating the good things that were going on in my life. Not fair to them... because I would enjoy the good... drain them for the bad! BLOGGING helps me communicate the good as well as the intense... and people can catch up as they perfer...
And it's another way to get your thoughts out there... and be challenged by others about them... refine your thinking... etc! I do just like it.
However Larry... I do think people that say they want to get together and do this again... really do want to do that... and sometimes you are the only impotence that can make it happen again... and usually when you have initiated it... they will say again at the end of the time... "we need to do this again" or this was so great!
You are right about watching the imposing thing... but I think too many times we allow our insecurities to get in the way of creating/ or starting something good... What is that people say about "you knowing where you are going"... people tend to follow... It just happens. I always relate to the Mosaic themes of BELIEVE, BELONG, & BECOME... the one of BELONGING hits home to everyone... everyone I think wants to feel like they belong to something or to a group... when you include them in your circle of belonging... they remember it!
Just my humble opinion!