Monday, February 06, 2006
There are lots of hard cases around, people hanging on by a thread and fighting to protect that thread. The circumstances of life look bleak, chances for improvement even bleaker, and yet they hang on. Could it be something that God put in us? Something that keeps us picking up one heavy, mud-covered foot at a time, keeps pushing us up the unending hill? I wonder what it is.
It's academic now. Things are changing and I don't understand. I don't feel so desperate, which is kind of nice. I also don't feel any strong drive to do anything. I haven't done a sand sculpture in months. Usually a hiatus like this is caused by weather or a sort of artistic regrouping, and ends when the drive to sculpt builds up. Now there's no drive. I think about sculpture, but the fire seems to be out.
I think I'm cornered. His logic is inescapable. "Love me, and the rest doesn't matter." I know the logic of his love: his Son died so that I could know the Father. Logic isn't enough. Logic doesn't go to the heart, except in a labyrinthine slow process. Love me today, I move next month. By that time the motivation has been forgotten.
Why don't I quit? Because God loves me and won't let me quit? Love so scares me that I'd love to quit so I wouldn't have to think about it. Love, it seems to me, is just an excuse to take advantage of people. There's also the idea that quitting today precludes the chance of things getting better tomorrow, but how long does that hope live? How many disappointments can one person stand? I don't stand disappointment very well. God has never disappointed me, and there's something stirring inside me that I've never known before, or at least only briefly. I wonder if it's love.
I thought desperation was a pretty good motivator. Throw myself on Jesus. I didn't care what would happen. Anything was better than staring down past the edge of the cliff my toes were hanging over. I guess it's a good way to start, but not the best for a long-term relationship. Or, perhaps that long-term relationship simply changes everything. Desperation fades in the light of love? Desperation is simple. I understand it. Black and white, death or life. Love is fuzzy, incomprehensible. I have no experience of it other than looking at how God loves me.
The truth is that it's happening. Here comes the future, whether I'm ready or not. Larry and love. Only God would be crazy enough to try that experiment.