Saturday, February 18, 2006


Over the Cliff

God is the most dangerous person I know. I managed to fight off years of attempts by a psychoanalyst to change me. Every time we got close to something important my self-defense systems, well trained through living for years in a world hostile to the way I think, would set up new obstacles. Eventually I got tired of the battle and quit. We didn't do much but bridge those years and keep me from giving up. Sand sculpture took over after that, but that's another story.

I need to change. I knew it in 2003 when God sneaked up on me and kept surprising me in unpredictable ways. I've managed, since then, to achieve a sort of balance, but it's a running gun battle kind of thing, dodging around the stray ray of grace, ignoring the chosen word. Sort of like dodging raindrops, as I did this morning on a mountain bike ride. I got soaked. No matter how sophisticated I get in self-defense God still threads his way into my soul.

And I have conniptions. Auto-immune disorders are like this: reacting against innocuous or even helpful things. God works toward change and life. I try to find new ways to keep God at a distance, which is sort of like disconnecting the pumpkin from the vine. Hopeless, which is why I always end up reconnecting, somehow.

Last week was bad. I wanted nothing more to do with God. That the problem is largely due to my reactions doesn't matter.

It's driving me crazy. I can't sleep and I'm crabby. All the time. The Snark-O-Meter (tm) is pegged most of the time. And this last time, I even upset the Holy Spirit. Willful disbelief. God's anger is something different from what we have words for, a mix of grief, anger and directed determination.

Some thoughts from this morning... I was lying in bed, thinking about this, and wondering about roles. I likened God's guidance to sliding down a bobsled run: not much choice. And he promptly said "But you have to take the step." Well, yes, but where does the will to take the step come from, especially when that step is going to lead to more pain? The confusion of change.

Somehow I have to learn to live with this determined invader inside. The running battles need to stop. They take energy that could go somewhere else, such as into sand sculpture. But how does a bottom-feeder learn to accept change? How does a drifter take some control, make some decisions, and accept the results? I have no idea. I do know a good teacher, Him of the lightning touch and quiet thunder-voice. Problem and solution in one Person.

Comments: Post a Comment

<< Home

This page is powered by Blogger. Isn't yours?