Wednesday, March 22, 2006
The Wrong Kind of Dying
Will you stay where you are?
Or will you reach for a star?
This can be victory's hour
See his grace, see his power
Will you stay where you are
Or reach for a star? (Ken Medema)
I don't really believe in victory. The best I've been able to do is hold off defeat for a time.
The last few weeks have been bad. A Christian desperately running from God is making his own misery.
What replaces pride in the motivation of a life? I've had certain core of staunch pride in my ability to do things, but that's gone. I just don't care any more. The jig is up, bankruptcy exposed. Where do we go from here? God seems to be keeping mum on the subject.
Perhaps that's because I know the answer. What replaces pride? I suspect it's love, which means I'm in trouble. There isn't enough love in me to fill a doll's thimble. God tries to grow it but I throw rocks at the new plant if I see it and otherwise lock myself down and ignore it.
And yet life goes on. Day by day. Dreary for the most part. I used to have hope that it would get better. Now I don't look that far ahead.
Before the love comes a brokenness that seems as though it will kill you....but it won't......
I do believe in victory. Every day is a victory. Last year in April I thought there was no victory, I thought the jig was up. It's not. I thought about wrapping my car around a tree with me in it. I didn't.
I'm really glad I didn't.