Last Exit Before Oblivion

Paul sang when he was in jail. I grumbled a lot today while just being stuck on a slow bus carrying twice its normal load because the run before hadn't shown up. Paul's tolerance was much greater than mine.

He didn't dredge it up from within himself, as we're exhorted to do. He got it from God. And quick. I'm not sure how that happened. Maybe having Jesus appear to him on that road and strike him blind was a strong motivator to getting things right. But then, Paul was already a zealot and perhaps it's easier for someone who's already a zealot to change course than it is to change the course of someone who doesn't care much.

First God has to get my attention. Then he has to sweet-talk me into caring. Try to fit that plan of action inside your 40 days of purpose or whatever program is popular right now.

Why should I be motivated? That's the question of the week. If God has to do all this just to keep me moving, what's the point of me being me? He has gone through great effort and trouble to preserve me as myself, so he has something in mind. I still don't get the motivation thing.

Why should I be motivated to emulate Paul? Prison? I'll take a pass, thanks. But I wonder if my stony heart could be so transformed by Jesus' love that I could be thrown into prison, or into a packed bus creeping home, and sing instead of complain and just wait for the end. I guess I'm going to find out. It's not as if I have a plan or anything.

Today's thought: Doesn't do you much good to have someone offer you your heart's desire if you don't know what you want. God spreads his promises before me and asks me to choose, and I just keep stumbling along the familiar path. I want something different but that's all I know. What is it? Beats me. Besides which, if something better came along it wouldn't last. And it's impossible anyway, so don't bother thinking about it.

People talk about dreaming big dreams. I've seen the results. I just read an article on a Web site by a photographer about his journey into making a living doing what he loves. Wow. Maybe if I loved something I could make a living at it.

This morning's thought: If you want something to grow, you don't have to work at it. Just take the rock off of it. I limit myself, and the more God calls the more I just hunker down in survival mode. Man, I am one untrusting and crotchety old stick-in-the-mud. Sigh. I don't have to do anything to help God. I just need to quit sitting on things.

And there are things I'm zealous about. I just don't want to show it.