Thursday, July 06, 2006
It was my assumption, at least. There's nothing like continued failure to cause one to back into the hands of brainwashers: any solution looks better than the abyss yawning at your feet. So, kind of like a rabbit staring a cougar in the face, I just wait for the final bite.
How does one rest in the Lord? What's that about? Resignation? Knowing one's fate? "OK, God, consume me. I'm dead anyway."
Why hang onto life? Why not give way to despair and just plumb quit? I guess the soul doesn't really want that option.
So, recycle the count to zero and start again. Where did I start? A cry for help in the dark, which was a pretty odd thing in itself. I'm just not the kind to ask for help with things that matter. If something's too heavy for me I'll ask someone to take the other end, but no one, I repeat, NO ONE is allowed to touch my mind. And here I blithely invited the God of the Universe to help me sort things out on a very confused day. It was a form of giving up, realizing I was out of my depth, and making a choice: turn to God instead of wallowing in mental turmoil for a few months as I'd done in the past.
I'd been proven incompetent. Drove the car as far as I could, got it hung up on a tree, gave up and handed the keys to God. What else was I supposed to do?
It's a long legacy, but I'd at least kept one thing to myself: My mind. No one else could touch it. My family couldn't, the schools couldn't, and, ultimately, the church couldn't. I knew there were problems but better my problems than someone else's. I'd seen many other people messed up by other people's interference. Not for me. And then I land in the same damned place.
Caring eroded. It was never that solid to begin with. When you learn just how powerful a tool not caring is it's very easy to just keep sliding down that slope... and drift. The best way to avoid being hurt is to be absent. Second best, when you can't get away, is to quit caring. It's not too surprising that I asked God for help: life was at an end, so what I had to lose? Last stop on the road to oblivion.
Old ideas, new God. I'm surprised he keeps working on me. It seems, though, that God loves honesty. So, I asked him about the tyrant stuff. He asked me when he'd ever been a tyrant to me. In actual action? No tyranny. He waits for me. But that must be me fooling myself, or keeping him at arm's length. All the teaching moves in the direction of God taking over. God, himself, seems to have little interest in overwriting my soul. He has been... inexpressibly gentle, and yet adamant. He never quits.
He simply holds his hand between me and the real end. "Do you trust me?" he asks. It's my choice. "How much do you trust me?"
"Not much," in some ways.
At question is an ability to care. My approach to life has always been to figure out what I can do without. Be prepared to abandon anything inconvenient: things that call attention to me, or make life more work, or return little reward. Do I need a relationship with God? I'd love to think so, but it seems I'm stuck. Do I want to care about Him?
How can I care about a tyrant? That's an easy excuse, but it's a lie. I may not care but I do try to limit the depth of the lies because that direction leads to real madness and misery. I wonder if God gave me a gift, back when I was born, for seeing truth? I may be able not to care, but I can't get away with complete lies.
So, who is God in truth? What veils need yet to be torn out of the way so that I see Him instead of my own constructs? What is human's life to God? Why would he care about one man's soul? He's looking for servants, after all. Don't need a mind for that, and not much of a heart. Just follow instructions. But that doesn't even work in human systems: show me a company or an army that punishes honesty and free thinking, and I'll show you an outfit going down the tubes, ripe to be picked off by the other side. This is why new companies bump off the old ones. Succession. Keeps the old ones lively, or kills them off. Ever heard of Digital Equipment? King of the hill in minicomputers, bumped off IBM's business, then they got assimilated by the IBM model, fat and slow, and now gone.
Logic and heart. My heart lags far behind in fear. I see the way ahead, I see God's examples, yet remember a lifetime of hurt. People never listen, just placing demands. God modelled after humans. This isn't true. Logically. Emotionally is a different story, and I just don't know how to retrain emotions.
"How much do you trust me?" Good question.
We are each of us unique and yet Solomon says there is nothing new under the sun.....the desire to be unique had to be pushed down......no, no that's not true...the desire to be unique had to be recognized and the pride in that seen and dealt with but the truth of it that I am unique embraced......in the embracing other people shoot at us or at least that is what it feels like....He is a God of individual relationship, loving each of us exactly the way we need.....THAT is what is drawing you Larry.....THAT He loves you that much and desires you to know that above all else.....in that KNOWING we can take the being 'shot at' because in that love and serving we really do know it's not about us and yet .....
It's not about us, it's about us sharing THIS LOVE with others....ALL OTHERS and you my friend are doing that or He is getting you ready to do it....BIG TIME.....please keep on writing...showing us how He is guiding you....encouraging us to look at how HE is loving and guiding us......praying for you Larry......