Wednesday, October 04, 2006
Someone Else's Dream
I've occasionally said to people "I wouldn't know what to do with a girlfriend if I had one." This comes up when people ask if I'm married, or have ever been married. The guy at the sandwich shop said, when I told him I was unmarried (in response to his question), "Who hurt you?"
It's better not to know. Nothing will change the past so just let it go. I deal with what is now. God, however, pulls on strings in the Now and things way back in the Then get tugged. Shaky foundations don't get better for being ignored and painted over. Paint's not very strong.
Having a romance with God isn't safe, but I know he's not out to get me just for the sake of pain. People can be vindictive, deliberately making a painful situation worse. I've never understood this. It's why I don't show anyone anything of myself unless I'm prepared to lose it, abandoning pieces like a trapped skink.
Things kind of sneak up on you over the years. One little step after another and suddenly you're not amid anything familiar. God keeps pulling the logical threads and they have emotional roots and non-rational attachments. I'd leave them alone, were it left to me. Light is light, however, and it illuminates everything. It changes everything it touches, and the emotional roots become a a logical part of growth.
Still, I'm more comfortable being unknown. That's an odd statement for one who has such a widespread Web presence but all that stuff is behind me. Pull on those strings and you'll end up with loops around your hands, and a cut end. The active heart-stuff is well protected.
The question is... from what is my soul protected? As the guy in the sandwich shop asked 22 years ago, "Who hurt me?" What memory do I carry around that threatens everything I do now? My response to current events and self-disclosure is to think seriously about taking down every Web site I've made, and expunge all the posts I've put up on various Internet forums. Looking backward, because looking forward is a blank.
I don't even know why people do things together. All these years I've just sort of followed a feeling and when I run into the limit beyond which I'm not comfortable, I stop, or turn around. This is probably frustrating for others because after that I bring nothing more that's new to the relationship. The new stuff is behind that heart-shield. Nobody goes there except for God and he only gets in because he's very clever at slipping through tiny gaps. People are too big, too clumsy, and if they're to get in I have to open the door.
There's always an open door someplace. Might be hard to find it. Or you might just walk around randomly and find it without looking. What happens after that? I don't know. All the power of intellect, skill of exrapolation and prediction, trend analysis and projection, none of that means a thing when your feet are on the path and there's no data to use.
Maybe information is an illusion anyway. What can be analyzed is long past and therefore dead, except for its use in giving one confidence in facing the confusing world. Intuition is perhaps the only guide left but it's notably loose. Better for getting me into things than in getting me out once I'm there.
It was a long, restless night, ending with that strange dream. Swimming, of all things. I'm better at walking. I took to driving with some distaste, and still only do it if I have to. Early in my career I got the car hung up on a manzanita bush. My cousin and I managed to get it out, and we were driving back up the road when we met my uncle coming to look for us. I figured I'd get thrashed, but he didn't do anything. We got out on this really loose road. The lesson I got from that is never to get myself into something I can't get myself out of. It was a good lesson, and perhaps my uncle was intuitive enough to know I'd learned it. No good lesson works everywhere, and self-judgment can cause more problems than the real situation of getting stuck on a manzanita bush.
Brave words. I'm a flag in an inconstant wind.