Monday, October 30, 2006


What Do You Want to Be?

I was in the kitchen the other night. Looked down at the beer supply, didn't have to be anywhere, thought about having some. I like the taste of beer. It's different from anything else, a nice wake-up to the taste buds. Being what's known as a "cheap drunk," though, I only drink it when there's nothing else going on. Lately I've noticed another problem: not only being zonked immediately after drinking it but out of touch with things the next day.

You'd think that something like that would be upsetting to God. It certainly upsets me. It's like a filter interposed between the Holy Spirit and me. As I stood there in the kitchen, though, God was quiet. I passed anyway.

Of course there's no way I can win this battle. If I go ahead and drink I'm all fuzzy the next day. If I don't drink I stomp on myself for being so wimpy as to want a relationship with God more than I want beer. This can't be real. Yet God leaves the choice to me. Interesting.

It's a deeper question than just a bottle of beer. What kind of person do I want to be? We all choose. The path Jesus has led me along comes from His own heart, but the routing is affected by my assumptions, beliefs and limits. Do I want to remain hard? Do I want to keep following Jesus into a more heart-oriented life?

I'd pretty much given up on all of that. Life was well established. God has no qualms about reopening old questions. I'd just as soon skip it. I got out of analysis because I'd die rather than tell the analyst anything deep. Now I have the Holy Spirit who knows everything, and has a piece of my heart. That's more or less OK. I've learned to trust him.

The big question comes about people. How much of my heart do I want to show anyone else? It's very hard to show things to God and put them back in the bottle the rest of the time. It's easier to never open the bottle, but that gets in the way of a life-giving relationship with God. This is why I'm not in a very good mood right now. Choices I never planned on making. Gargh.

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