Thursday, November 23, 2006


Finding the Right Melody

It seems an absurd question: "Who am I?" It's the standard criticism of a generation. I believed that it didn't matter that much. I am I and who else needs to know?

Well, it becomes more important as the world closes in. It seems that everyone wants to reduce the individual person to an easily assigned cypher in some equation. Those who manage to escape the trap are assigned to the "weirdo" category and no one takes them seriously. Movies are about mavericks but they are received better in the fantasy world than in reality. Try making a living as a maverick.

Does God want individuals? Does he want easily directed robotish sorts? Seems people usually lean toward the robotish, but that's not only among Christians. The whole wretched world goes that way. I've always hoped for something better.

Now I've pretty much given that up. I'm not sure why. Maybe it's a belief that I just can't stand against the God of the Universe; he'd trump any move I can make. I can't outmaneuver him, hide from him, pull wool over the eyes of Him who made lambs. Why should I care? I've obviously failed at the things important to me.

I am still here, which is a sign that I've not completely failed. But what is it that keeps a person living? What makes a person care? I'm still here but I don't care very much about it. I'm just sort of waiting for the next act, and the curtain seems late in rising. What am I waiting for? God to give me permission to be a human being? Or for God to leave me alone so I can go back to a rather rickety balance that while fragile at least felt like it was mine. Now it's all God's business. My soul is saved but my spirit seems to be dying.

So, why has this question come up again? It probably has to do with seeing, even more clearly, the direction of God's changes. I just don't want to go there. We're going down a path that don't like so where's the room for me as me? How much do I trust God? I trusted him quite a bit until this relationship stuff came up and now... well, I guess I want to renege on the deal. God doesn't accept boundaries very well. All the earth is his and everything in it. I can't draw a line around part of my being and tell him to stay out. He'll pay attention but is always looking for the way in, the little crack.

I guess I'm just living out what I thought to myself toward the end of psychoanalysis: "I'll die before I tell the analyst anything about this." Now it's God I want to keep secrets from. God, and people... and myself. I just don't want to go there. By which I guess I join the millions of other human beings trying to hide behind fig leaves, except that I know better.

God has treated me gently, kindly, honorably. His guidance has been good. Why question it now? Because he's pulling on strings that go very deep. But once you've let God in partway there's really no turning around because everything else is just... a meal of sawdust. Or Muzak on an MP3 player. God knows the tune and wants to teach, no matter what. Intellect goes one way, emotions another. I used to be able to direct the emotions but no longer.

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