Friday, November 17, 2006


Only God Knows I Am

A Skype conversation with a friend last night. My text is in italic.


howerya doin?
are you ok?

Tired. somewhat better than yesterday, though.

awww (((((((((((((((((((((hug)))))))))))))))))

Oh, thank you.

I understand, actually

How are you doing?

good. cool. I'm much better than last time we talked.

Yes. He does have a chip on his shoulder in some regards, but not bad.

sure, well, we all do if we look over there hard enough
I try to ignore mine

Yes... I ignore them as I can, and try to keep mine from causing too much hurt.

yeah, when that happens (mine) is when I feel the worse

Well, I can't win. If I screw up I feel bad. If I feel good I end up feeling bad.

uh oh

Long-standing problem that's finally coming to the light. I hate it but maybe this time God will really be able to change it. I just have to keep walking.

yes, and I'll walk with you
I'm sorry I've been gone. Family came to visit and I had to get something on paper for my diss. advisor

That might get you hurt... when cornered I tend to lash out.

You won't drive me away, dear. Nothing you can say would
I know you well enough, and you've now warned me, lol

Thank you. I'll try not to test that too severely.

don't worry about that, either. See, now I know the score....

Right. If I hurt you, the attack is really aimed at myself.

I've been in that place you were in, too. You're going through something really big.
I know, btw

Yah.. something I thought I could just skate by for the rst of my life.

You have a need to be able to be good and mad and vent and you're a powerful person and maybe others have gotten hurt
and you think no one out there wouldn't be hurt
but here's one
so you can yell if you want
been there, guy
and it ain't pretty.

Well, if I yell at you, you'll know that progress has been made.

yeah, that would be something

I just don't do it. Well, I've yelled at God at times.

hey, if anyone can handle it, God can
he'd better be able to, after all, he got you to come here!

True. He has heard it all before.

in every very kind and gentle person is a powerhouse.

Interesting thought... I've never considered that...

and sometimes, when you're going through hell, you need strong people with whom you can be your "real" whole self

...even when my friend Lu said I have a warrior heart.

you do

But then, those who would be kind have to fight for the room in which to do it.

I know
it sucks
and it's not fair

Well, that has always been a problem. I grew up in a family of appearances. Never rock the boat because then they'll abandon me.

and why doesn't everyone understand that?
still, you know they don't

Because it's easier to just reject kindness as being soft.


Well, yes, they can't abandon me now because they did years ago.

they are not strong enough to not be scared
and you, my dear, could be right scary you are so wise and kind
but that's precisely why I hang out with you

I think I do intimidate some people. Not my intention.
You're waiting for the mouse to roar.

he he he
you are definitely not a mouse

Well, there is a roar in there someplace. I'm still here, which really is amazing.

btw, you'll get through this and be even more intimidating in your kindness. May as well get used to it

That, I think, is the graduate degree.

when you finally decide to like who you are, it will be less painful

That ought to help. It is, however, looking like a long, steep, rough and hot slope.

strong, powerful people are not unkind. They just ARE
the worse part is, you know others don't understand

Right. Like Jesus. Knew exactlly the right word for the people he met.

they can get away with being mean, and you can't
and you wouldn't anyway

Yes... being mean just plain hurts.

but you can still hurt
yep, that's why I know you are big and powerful. You feel bad when you hurt others

But.. being kind usually works better over the long haul.

but you have to allow your self to be yourself, too

And being kind is certainly better for civilization as a whole.

and that's why some of us have gravitated to you

It'd be easier to be myself if I knew who that is.
I've lived the act for so long that I have little idea what's really inside.

aaaah. well, now, who else is going to know but you?
and I bet if you ask you, you will have something interesting to say

Nobody. I'll just have to keep walking.

that is a good decision
stopping never got anyone anywhere

Easy to make because it's all I have. And yes. Just sitting on the ground really doesn't help.

and if the bridge up ahead looks like it's out, keep in mind it only "looks" like it's out

You can only steer if you're moving.


I'm not used to being needy

ooooh, I know that one!
when you finally accept it, you will be terribly embarrased
and feel really neat, too.

I'll bet you do... you had brothers to remind you of the cost of being needy.

and one husband who waited for years for me to need him

Ah... I'll bet that's an interesting story.
Seems to me that need is what sinks many relationships... but it's also essential.

and he's an artist, too, and often not very confident, even when he's doing well

I've always thought I'd rather be wanted than needed, but that may be fatuous theory.
Real artists are never confident.

be wanted. better than being needed

If they're confident, they're not doing real art.

yeah, something about that

But there is an element of need in a relationship. Sometimes people need things.

and you are right about need. need implies we don't have whatever it is.

Right... but is it a real need, or something an advertisment has taught us we need?

I like him, but I don't need him, although I like needing him, lol
and he likes that (don't ask me why or how to explain that)

Well, then, who hugs you when you're feeling strung out?


Some need is OK. You have to be a real person, but real people need. Even Jesus sighed, and wept at times.
We're so afraid of need. Seems nearly universal.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Anger. Destruction. They, and more, are in me and I don't want to know about it. I'd rather do just about anything else, but anything that gets in the way of I Am needs to go. God knows the way. I don't.

What do I do with need? What happened to choice? Am I not too damned old to be learning this adolescent stuff? I guess if you don't do it then, you do it now or you grow older and more crabbed and bitter. Want to be a real human being? Follow I Am until you are. He sings my name out there in the wild and his voice has a quality that is irresistible.

It's hard to get through, though. There are days when I don't want to talk to anyone. That's my response. I wonder if it's the best.

I've never had anyone say to me what my friend says here. Someone to walk with me? Other than God, this is a first. Maybe there have been others but I missed the cues. I so dread need that I will beat myself rather than allow any need to show. That makes me tired, cranky and... angry. I've never been allowed to be myself. What happens next?

Well, I guess I'll get some breakfast. Movement of any kind requires energy of some kind.

Thanks Larry...this touched me more than you can know which is probably exactly as He intends...THANKS've hit some familiar chords.
I often ask myself...why am I not well? What's the payoff? I'm starting to realize that when I'm not feeling well, people go away. They leave me alone.
They abandon me.
I think I like that sometimes.
That's hard to take..that I might be ill so people will leave me alone. That way, they can't hurt me.
We all have our methods.
Thanks, Larry.
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