Last Exit Before Oblivion

God really wants to make me an optimist. He made the sun to shine on everyone. I remember being forced in various ways to become a less sunny person.

Keith Le called the other night. We hadn't talked for a while, so we caught up a little bit. Somehow that lunch in the Thai place where I got the "Be prepared for the truth" fortune came out of my cookie. Keith said "I wish God spoke that directly to me."

I've been thinking about that since. There have been times in the last year or two when I'd have gladly traded places with anyone who struggled to hear God's voice. His voice keeps me alive but also calls me forward into impossible things. I'd rather just stay in my nice familiar hole in the ground. I know where everything is and there are no challenges. I have enough of a challenge just getting through the day.

My guess about Keith is that God has different ways of reaching him. My practice is based on pure need. Keith is looking ahead. He has a plan. God says "Go for it." And smiles.

He smiles at me too, but I resist smiling back. I remember the touches of hope in a bleak world, and that hope always turned to ashes. God is the only person who has stayed with me all these years, perhaps because he's the only one who shook me hard enough and then held on. People give up after a while, as do I, and no surprise.

I really know very little about being a real human being. This isn't a problem for God. He knows all about being a human being. He has been there. He is an irresistible force for change, no matter how slowly I respond.

God never forgets any of us. He works in people's lives to the degree that he's allowed. Desperation, staring oblivion in the eye, makes for strong motivation toward allowing God's hand free rein. Still... let me sleep and wake me up when it's over, please.