Friday, April 20, 2007


Losers, Seeking

heaven's not enough
if when you get there..
just another blue
and heaven's not enough
you think you've found it
and it loses you

They're a bunch of wolves, hated by all, hating the city they are forced to live in. They catch a scent of something and it calls them. Out of the city, into the snow, toward something one of them calls Paradise.

you've thought of all there is
but not enough
and it loses you in a cloud

The others are skeptical. "What's paradise?" they ask. "How do you know it's real?"
"I feel it," Kiba says. "I smell it."
"I can smell something too," Toboe says, ever eager to make an impression on the older ones. Tsume is, as usual, distant, scoffing. Still, they keep going.

"there" most everything is nothin'
that it seems
"where" you see the things you only wanna see

They pass through other cities, each uglier and more desperate than the last. They escape by working, albeit reluctantly, together. Overhead pass the ships of the Nobles. Who are they? What do they want, other than the destruction that seems to go wherever they do? Smoke and lightning.

I'd fly away
to a higher plane
to say words I resist
to float away
to sigh
to breathe.... forget

They dream... flowers... lakes...
They find a tunnel and go on. Others find them and shoot. They end up at a city on a crag and see the Flower Maden, Cheza. Hers is the scent they've been following. She is taken away by one of the violent Nobles. The wolves follow.

and heaven's not enough
if when I'm there I don't remember you
and heaven does enough
you think you know it
and it uses you

They pass through the dead forest into desert that alternates rock and snow. They meet strangers who seem to understand, but can't come with them. The quest is the wolves' and it leads to the last redoubt where the last of the Nobles has laid a trap in the heart of his dead city.

I saw so many things
but like a dream
always losing me in a cloud

Everything is lost. The Noble escapes. The wolves, having no choice, follow. On the final mountain, one by one, they die.

cause I couldn't cry
cause I turned away
couldn't see the score
didn't know the pain
of leaving yesterday really far behind
in another life
in another dream
by a different name
gave it all away
for a memory
and a quiet lie
and I felt the face
of a cold tonight
still don't know the score
but I know the pain
of leaving everything really far behind
and if I could cry
and if I could live what truth I did then take me there
heaven goodbye

Ultimately, all die. Even the Flower Maiden, but her green blood poisons the last Noble. He dies. Kiba dies beside him, but then... the rain starts. Paradise blooms, empty.

Those of us who follow Jesus are promised heaven. To me it's just something out there, not real. It doesn't matter anyway. I believe in what's in front of me, tangible. Faith is for people who know no reality.

What am I looking for? All of my life I've been drawn on by something and I'm still here, still not caring very much for the world around me. Surely there is something better. So, I'm no better than those faith-besotted storytime wolves: take it away, kill me on the road, no matter. Hope refuses to die. Perhaps that's the real voice of the Holy Spirit in me: hang on. Better times really are coming.

"Heaven's Not Enough," by Yoko Kanno
from the soundtrack to "Wolf's Rain"

Something calls to us, a scent of something greater. Desperate for change and eager to know what can be, to find Paradise, we follow.

The world we live in is falling apart around us and the hope for Paradise in our hearts is often all we have to cling to.

When we give up on that journey, give up on advancing towards Paradise, stop basking in the light, drinking in our surroundings, we wither.

I've wondered if one of the problems with this world is that it keeps trying to fulfill our dreams, but that our dreams and desires contradict each other. Maybe that's how this world's Nobles rise to power, and why those better suited are cast aside or hunted.

Narrow is the road, and few are the ones finding it.

I've felt as though outside of this world. I've been so disconnected inside that I thought who I was inside died long ago, that my body was so separate that it didn't know enough to die too. And so i lived on, the mere imprint or trace of myself left upon my body moving it forward. The notion is a hard one to shake, especially when you feel so hollow on the inside. But if you have the choice, why let the hopelessness fill and consume you?

A journey is never easy, the path unknown, but the way is made straighter when focused on the goal.
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