Friday, June 01, 2007


Lightening the Future

The future is a hanging stone, looming. Anything could happen. One little shake and it all comes down. closing out life as a collapsing wave maytags the surfer who just hopes for one more breath, not even thinking about walking again.

God's sunlight produces growth that can't be stopped. If resisted it finds another way to grow. Years he will take, waiting for a moment's window to move forward. Always forward.

Whose forward? Who knows? I judge the future by what my past has been like: capricious, unreliable, things done arbitrarily, beyond reason. Things just happen.

I look at the track established by my past under God's guidance and the follow the azimuth forward, not caring much for what I see. But what I see is an extrapolation based on my own time in the Houses of the Partial God. The real God, the one against whose breast John leaned back in an image of relaxation I can barely imagine, the Whole God, well, I don't really know what He wants.

What do I want? The question is irrelevant. I want no more than what I get. Just take another step and don't look too far ahead. What's coming is probably worse than what has already been, so don't look. Yet here I still am, 55 years on, still walking. Someone has been guiding, even after my clumsy and destructive attempts at changing the direction of an undirected useless life.

How do I know what God wants? Assumptions are easy to find. Reality is more subtle.

How much do I trust? Would I rather depend upon my view from down in the maze, or trust that God's plans lead through the maze to something I will enjoy?

Enjoyment of the future isn't exactly number one on the list of things handled in the Land of the Partial God, but logic and history both indicate that enjoyment makes just about everything go better. Some aspects of enjoyment aren't all that enjoyable (every route has ridges and valleys) but might not God have a pretty good idea of what I want but don't know that I want? Might I like the situation once I get into it? I just anticipate pain, suffering and drudgery.

Well, who do I want to fool? With whom am I trying to make points? God doesn't care about points. All he expects, all he wants is my hand in His, and step by step. Maybe I can do that, and maybe the future will look less like a threat and more like a promise.

Futures tend to be self-creating. My belief that it's going to be bad doesn't make God's job very easy. If I want bad, well, it's easy to get bad. That leads in the direction of not caring, which is the ultimate weakener. Not caring is what crashed my beloved BMW R-80. Not caring is what led to wrenching my knee on the bus two days ago. Caring leads to strength. Where do I get the strength to care? Three guesses, and the first two don't count.

What's interesting is that this situation is similar to some other special ones. How do you cast your cares upon Jesus? Quit holding onto them. How do I start caring, or allow myself to care? Loosen my death-grip on "I don't care." The future is in caring.

Truth and decisions....having a hard time finding either....
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