Tuesday, June 24, 2008


No Fun

Layla said there were actually some people asking her what happened to me. It's easy to feel forgotten in this world. Events move fast and it's easy to just let the days go by.

How can words be assembled to represent events in a life? Why bother? Does anyone care? If they did care... would I care?

Relationships are, to me, a sign of failure. All those years of being in school and at home, situations in which being left alone was the best option. "If you don't behave we'll send you to see the principal." "Wait until your father gets home." Yah... meeting with people means I've failed. Not too much of a problem for one who can choose when to relate to people, but a huge problem for one who has the Holy Spirit living within: a judge all built in and inescapable.

A constant reminder of failure, of need. This is a problem for long-term living. What's the point? Everything I do is wrong.

Old habits, as Lu wrote about recently, die very hard. We both know that God is NOT watching over our shoulders waiting for the slightest infraction so he can jump on us. Jesus didn't die to judge people. I have God's voice working gently to overwrite the past, but the past looms large and in strength.

I was thinking about this years ago. My life has been pretty much just waiting for the failure I knew would come. Inevitable. That I've made it this far is due more to luck than anything else. God asked me, "Why not wait for success?" I thought it was a neat idea. Then we got into the process, and that has been no fun.

If relationships are the key to life I'm still looking for the lock. I tried to overwrite my social backwardness with rational processes, basically telling myself what to do. Relationships aren't rational, not completely, and much runs under a surface that to the rational mind is opaque. Only the heart can see through the horizon.

Ah, the heart... much is written, much is sung, much is assumed. Jesus was the exemplar of a man with a heart, and he was killed for his efforts. Hearts have a hard time in this world. The process of transforming a child into an adult is in large part the process of the child learning to put ever tighter constraints upon the heart; if this is not done, the person is said to be odd, or to wear their heart on their sleeve.

I've always thought that in a contest between a sensitive man and a ravaging world, the world is wrong. This is why I've spent the better part of my time alone. Now, the big question is, what does God think of a sensitive man? I have no place to hide from him.

I am so glad you wrote Larry. You know, you and I are very much alike but in opposite ways. If that makes sense to you, well, that would be scary.
well friend...He loves you and is very fond of you just as you are....as for me I am very glad to see you back ....hard to handle isn't it that people DO care....
"A constant reminder of failure, of need. This is a problem for long-term living. What's the point? Everything I do is wrong."

The never ending battle of longings and fear. And together with self-punishment and the arrows of past failure it becomes impossible to fight.

"Now, the big question is, what does God think of a sensitive man? I have no place to hide from him."

>My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.<

Never forget that Jesus loved the sinners and healed the weak.
This could have been written by my youngest son. His motto is:

Do not walk in front of me, for I may not follow.
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead.
Do not walk beside me, either, just pretty much leave me alone.

He has a unique and unfortunate ability to see right through people. His dad has the same ability. So do you, Larry.

I do not, because I always believe the best of people, then am sorely disappointed. I'm learning from the loners, though!

Like his dad, my son is learning to appreciate people where they are, and to forgive them for their idiotic behavior. I don't know if it's just expecting less, or forgiving more. He is happier because of it, and appreciates that I accept and understand his seemingly antisocial behavior. He has always been personable around the trustworthy folk, though, and is a genuinely kind guy.

So are you, Larry. People who can see what others are, are always walking "alone" but there is nothing wrong with that. Jesus, for all of His social connectedness, was still alone. We all are.
I'm not sure why I'm telling you this, but be assured that, YES, people care about you, and we accept you for who you are, and certainly, so does He.
I'm glad you're posting.
I'd like to use this opportunity to say something I rarely say (I usually just think it to myself and smirk) but it seems so appropriate:


I am glad you wrote yesterday.

I am still trying to figure this out:

"Relationships are, to me, a sign of failure." That seems to be where we collide.
I'm a lil late but also very glad to read your post larry. I find a common ground with you on alot of what you share,especially in thinking about relationships. I am not a loner per se I am quiet and shy though and seem to have the hardest time getting out of my head into action especially just with accepting myself as i am, always thinking i can do better no matter what. You really do lay it all out there,thank you for that, I know beckys words hit home so much, tough to take in that people really do care
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