Last Exit Before Oblivion

I wonder what would happen if I took down all of my defenses against God. I wonder if that's even possible; after all, nothing can be forced, and I tihnk it's likely that any participation by God in my life is the result of an ongoing invitation.
    Each second is new. Is my heart hidden, or is it freely available? Do I feel safe enough to allow God's touch on very sensitive places?
    This is a walk, I think. God isn't a raider, seeking to plunder my heart. He needs access, though, and to me anyone who gets close looks like a raider. God knows I've had people trying to raid my heart for most of my life, and I'm used to it.
    Freedom seems to require more openness. I'm not sure why I believe that; maybe it's just due to feeling there is no freedom inside a cage, and yet Paul was imprisoned and laughing. Obviously he was free, and Jesus was free even as he was being crucified.
    Well, as long as I'm still walking, I can learn. Some days are more encouraging than others. I'm just kind of surprised how bound up I am.

2012 July 22