Last Exit Before Oblivion

Well, I was wrong. It's not love we're pointed toward, but awareness, and that's at least as frightening.
    I guess I shouldn't be surprised; we've been spiralling around the topic for years. We've even touched down on this stepping stone a few times. Awareness, it occurs to me, is a necessary waypoint on the way to love. So, I guess I should be doubly scared.
    Last night was far from peaceful, and I awoke with a migraine. I was thinking about all the energy I put into passing through life with, at best, selective awareness. I grew up this way. Every adult around me seemed to be an overpowered radio station broadcasting advice and answers without regard to how well they fit what I needed. One answer fits all.
    What's really amazing is that God cares. The problem is that I get scared and run away, seeking shelter in my old familiar answers. Stop caring. Quit being aware. Become a rock and just wait for the storm to pass. This storm named Jesus won't ever pass because he doesn't give up; given any kind of a way into to the soul, he will do everything he can to stay in contact. If contact is cut off--yes, I've done this--he will wait until the need for breath leads to a crack in the rock.
    How many times have I advised people to find their answers in getting closer to God? Yet here I am, reverting to old survival tactics: reducing my awareness and thereby distancing myself from God. I work harder in walling myself around than I would if I just let God have his way. I still remember all those loud adults, though. Will God do the same thing? He has never shown any interest in doing so but the fear has a very deep taproot.
    God touches the fear, and I quake. I get migraines. I've been here before. The answer is to turn off awareness; can't I sleep until it's all over with? Life isn't much more than stumbling along a grey tunnel when done that way. And... Jesus is still irresistibly attractive.
    So, morning finally comes along. Lights in my eyes along with light outside the window. "Please don't turn yourself off today," Jesus says. "Leave everything else." Well, OK. I think I can do that.

2012 July 30